HI, CAROLYN: I’ve always considered myself an independent person. I am a married, full-time working mother of two young children, so I’ve got my hands full. But I’ve always prided myself on striking a balance between work and family.
I’ve always had a strong opinion that there is no place in a marriage for cheaters — that if my husband ever cheated on me, there would be no lingering; I’d be out the door. My mother stayed in her marriage after my father had an affair. I saw how that affected her, and I never wanted that for myself.
Well, now I’m in the same situation. My husband of seven years just revealed to me that he had an affair for five months with a woman he works with. He says that it was purely physical, and that he loves me and our children and will do anything to make our marriage work. He has volunteered to go to counseling. The problem is I still love him. He is a great father, my best friend, and I can’t imagine my life without him. I also don’t want my boys to grow up with a weekend father. How do I reconcile my feelings of hypocrisy if I choose to stay with him?
— Hypocrite
DEAR HYPOCRITE: There are lots of problems here, but loving your husband isn’t one of them. He cheated. He seems to want to make amends, but could just be saving his butt. You love him. He’s a good father. He’s your best friend. You are not interested in ending the marriage.
Just because these facts come as a complete surprise to you doesn’t mean you should ignore or distrust them. Life is complicated. You are not your mother. Your husband is not your father. Plans are nice, but reality gets the last word.
Please take this and any other relevant information and make your best decision. No one is forcing you to fit into your preconceived notions of marriage, except you. So it’s OK to declare yourself independent of formulaic thought. You do your best with the life you’ve got. The specifics of what that means are yours to decide. When the unthinkable happens, there’s beauty, not shame, in finding new ways to think.
Contact Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.