Often, people are perplexed when they learn that Claudia Riggs has forgiven the man who caused the violent death of her 4-month-old grandson, Jack Sebastian Koller.
“I don’t know why people question that,” says Riggs, a slim blond and a woman of remarkable faith. “I’m going to hold that resentment for what reason? My theory is that people who do that are lacking consciousness.”
Joseph Black, rabbi at Temple Emanuel in Denver, Colo., thought a lot about forgiveness and atonement during the 10 days between Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur, the day of atonement.
“It is a mitzvah — a commandment — to ask forgiveness from those whom we have wronged over the past year,” Black said.
“This isn’t always easy. There are some sins that cannot be forgiven. And yet, if we do not or cannot forgive, then we are hurting ourselves. Anger and resentment are powerful emotions. They eat away at our souls.”
Who benefits most from forgiveness? The forgiver or the wrongdoer? Lloyd Barrett, associate pastor at Mile High Church in Denver, suggests that the act is especially important for the person who forgives.
“From personal experience, I know that forgiveness freed me up to be more creative,” he said.
“I grew up in Jamaica and went to an African-American college in St. Augustine, Fla., in the 1960s, when racism was rampant. It was important for me to forgive — not necessarily always easy — or I would have blocked my inflow of creative energy.
“I remember saying to someone, ‘I forgive you for my sake, not for your sake.’ He was shocked. Because I realized that in spite of the pain, unforgiveness is like holding myself in bondage to the hurt.”
Forgiveness, as Barrett defines it, means deliberately releasing resentment and a desire for revenge. Whatever caused hurt or offense cannot be erased, but refusing to nurse a grudge may make you healthier.
Mayo Clinic chaplain Katherine Piderman found that people who forgave a wrong enjoyed better relationships, improved spiritual, psychological and physical health, including lower blood pressure, a lessened risk of depression, anxiety and chronic pain, and a lower risk of substance abuse.
“At my church, the minister said that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die,” Riggs said.
Forgiveness doesn’t come quickly, and it’s not a cure-all. Riggs was depressed for a year after Jack died.
“I felt guilty if I felt happy even for a minute,” she said.
“Thanksgiving was horrible. I spent Christmas alone. And then one weekend in October, I was stuck in traffic in a flash mob, all these people in Halloween costumes in the street. What are you going to do? I love flash mobs. I started to feel happy again.”
She started to date again. She began training for a new career as a certified therapist in Healing Touch, a treatment that works with the body’s magnetic field to restore health.
Riggs still has difficulty watching the slide show she created to celebrate her grandson’s short life. She rarely talks about his death and what caused it.
“If you stop and think about it, it’s too horrible,” Riggs said.
“Forgiving (Jack’s killer) doesn’t take away the grief. You’re still angry. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Shocked. I ain’t saying it’s easy. Forgiveness is something you have to do on a daily basis.”
