Apple teaches its Geniuses to schmooze

The folks at Gizmodo got their grimy little paws on a real collector’s item for Apple fanboys everywhere:

It’s Apple’s top-secret, highly-classified, don’t-tell-a-soul-or-we’ll-have-to-banish-you-from-the-walled-garden Genius Training Manual.

And according to Giz, it’s devilishly delightful reading, full of touchy-feely sales strategies for aspiring Genius Bar Geniuses who want to move more iPhones and give CEO Tim Cook something to crow about on  his next earnings call.

In a nutshell, the Apple guide offers prospective employees a blow-by-blow course on how not just to sweet-talk customers who wander into the Apple Store full of questions, comments, angst, and, hopefully, thousands of dollars to drop. But it’s a primer on how to actually FEEL YOUR APPLE CONSUMER’S PAIN and then turn that pain into a sale.

Yes, some of the training document’s language borders on Scientology-level creepiness (“We guide every interaction,’’ it states. And “We strive to inspire.’’ And “We enrich their lives.”)

But hey, if Apple Geniuses are being schooled in the fine art of making each and every one of us feel special, loved, appreciated, good-looking and worthy of purchasing a brand-new MacBook Pro for $2,199, then more power to ‘em.

Maybe if the rest of the world got hold of copies of the Genius Training Manual, the world would be a much better place.

(Filled, of course, with even more Apple products!)

Pat May (154 Posts)

With more than 30 years on the front line of daily American journalism, I'm currently a staff writer with the San Jose Mercury News, covering Apple and writing people-centric business stories from Silicon Valley.